For those who don't know about the game, you may want to stop reading here. Once I explain the rules, you will become a player and will be playing--and losing--the game for the rest of your life.
There really is only one rule to the game: Every time you think of the game, you lose the game. That's it. You can't win.
Of course, when you do lose the game, the best thing to do is to make as many other people lose too. Nothing cures frustration like causing enough frustration to dwarf your own, and hopefully the satisfaction you gain from causing many acquaintances to lose the game will overcome the disappointment you'll feel for your own, single loss.
Different people approach and think of the game in different ways, and thus will employ their own "strategy" while playing it. Below, I will describe and evaluate, with absolutely no exaggeration at all, the 8 most common "strategies" for the game, starting with the ones that will seriously mess up your life, and working up to the greatest strategy of all time!
8. The "Kids These Days and Their Silly Games" Strategy:
If you are employing this strategy, you consider yourself too good for the game. If you think of it yourself, you won't bother telling anyone else. If someone else tells you, you may acknowledge the fact that you lost, but if you do you'll be sure to make sure everyone knows that you don't actually care. The problem is, it is impossible to not actually care. Once the losses pile up, they will eat at you and tear you apart from the inside out. One day you will break, go on a rampage, and probably end up in prison. This strategy will actually ruin your life, which makes it the worst of the bunch. If you are someone who commonly says "I'm not playing" whenever someone reminds you of the game, you are probably using this strategy. If you know the rules of the game, you are playing, and there is no escape. Saying "I'm not playing" is simply code for "I don't care" (which, as stated above, is also impossible).
7. The "As Long As I Don't Lose" Strategy:
If you're using this strategy, you will dedicate your life to forgetting the game. Also known as the "Winning is Everything" strategy, because if there were one way to win the game, it would be to forget of its existence. If you use this strategy, you are either so weak that you can't handle losing the game, or are so competitive that you think you NEED to win the game, so you do everything possible to remove the game from your life. If your friends are playing the game, you will cut all ties with those friends. You will move hundreds of miles away to some secluded farmhouse where you hope no one knows about the game. If you are reminded of the game, you WILL remind anyone else nearby of the game, because if you are going to lose, you might as well not lose alone. Unfortunately, if you are dedicating your life to forgetting the game, that means the game has become intertwined with your life, and will never be forgotten. In fact, it will probably be remembered even more often. All it would take is for someone to ask you why you moved to this farmhouse, and you will lose the game, and then every time you look at your farmhouse it will remind you of the game so you will be forced to move to somewhere even more secluded and the cycle will continue until eventually you die in the middle of the Arctic with no friends and all too much frustration about losing the game, which will be the last thing you think about.
6. The "Mr. Nice Guy" Strategy:
Also known as the "Ms. Nice Girl" Strategy. If you are using this strategy, you don't want to put anyone else through the pain and frustration of losing the game, so every time you think of it, you just keep it to yourself. If someone else reminds you of the game, you will express your sadness and frustration because you DO care, but you will not go on to remind everyone else of the game. Because that would be too mean. Of course, keeping it all bottled up inside can lead to breakdown similar to the one caused by the "Kids These Days and Their Silly Games" Strategy, but since "Mr. Nice Guys" or "Ms. Nice Girls" admit that they do care and know that they have good intentions for being absolutely horrible at the game, they are better at dealing with the losses and have an easier time avoiding the breakdown.
5. The "If I'm Going Down, I'm Taking You And You And You And Everyone Else Down With Me" Strategy:
If you are playing with this strategy, you are someone who just CAN'T...STOP...THINKING... OF... THE... STUPID... GAME! You get so angry about losing all the time that you just give up. You accept the fact that you will lose at every possible moment, so you decide that all you can do is make everyone else lose too. You set an alarm on your phone for every half hour. Whenever it goes off, you remind everyone around you about the game. You then text everyone on your contact list about the game. Since your grandparents don't text, you give them a call instead. You send a letter that says "the game" to your distant relatives who you have no other way to contact. You post on facebook about the game, tweet about the game, and instagram a picture of a piece of paper that says "the game". By the time you finish, you have 5 minutes to enjoy yourself before the cycle begins again. First you lose sleep. Then your job. Then your friends, your family, your life. But, at least you have the satisfaction of making hundreds, or even thousands of people lose the game every half hour. That's enough to keep you going.
4. The "That'll Show Him" Strategy:
Also known as the "That'll Show Her" Strategy. If you are using this strategy, you have decided to use the game as a way to ruin the life of the person who you just can't take anymore. Basically, you are a toned down version of someone using the "If I'm Going Down, I'm Taking You and You and You and Everyone Else Down With Me" Strategy. You set the half-hour alarm on your phone, but all you do when it goes off is send a text to that person you hate that says "the game". You are so proud of yourself for finally thinking of a way to get back at them for everything they've done to you. You can't wait to see how torn apart they are after days, weeks, and years of losing the game every half hour. Of course, by doing this you have also given up your own hopes of not losing the game, but it's worth it because he or she who you hate most is losing it too. Like the previous strategy, you will lose sleep, but unlike the previous strategy, you will not lose your life, family, friends, or job (unless the person you hate is your boss). Even though you are making less people lose the game, this strategy is slightly better than the previous because it doesn't completely ruin your life.
3. The "What Game?" Strategy:
If you are playing with this strategy, you will feign ignorance whenever someone else reminds you of the game. On the inside, you'll accept the loss and feel the frustration, but you won't let your opponent see that. You'll pretend you have no idea what they're talking about. If not used smartly, this strategy isn't very good because you will never get the satisfaction of making other people lose the game. However, it is possible to use this strategy in clever ways, which makes it not completely worthless. For example, if someone reminds you of the game, you could turn to someone who you know is playing the game and say "Do YOU know what this "game" that they're talking about is?" ... and Voila! You just caused that person to lose the game. Also, if you feign ignorance long enough people might grow bored of even reminding you of the game, which means using this strategy could eventually make you lose less. If you are someone who commonly says "What Game?" when reminded of the game, you are probably using the "What Game?" Strategy.
2. The "Pay it Forward" Strategy:
If you are using this strategy, you have a very simple way to play the game effectively: Whenever you think of the game, pay the loss forward by telling everyone nearby. You don't go overboard like someone using the "If I'm Going Down, I'm Taking You and You and You and Everyone Else Down With Me" Strategy. You only tell the people who happen to be around you when you think of it. If you are alone, you may text your friends, but nothing more drastic than that. This way, you get to cause a fair amount of losses without making people so mad at you that your life is ruined. The worst that can happen is that lots of people will try to take revenge on you by reminding you of the game in the future, but that's not so bad. This is the most common strategy. If you are someone who is playing the game, you are probably using this strategy.
1. The "Pay it Forward to a Pay it Forwarder" Strategy:
Here it is: The very best strategy for playing the game. If you are playing with this strategy, you have identified one or two people as players who use the "Pay it Forward" Strategy. Every time you think of the game, you tell only one or both of these players, and no one else. And then you watch as the one or two losses you have just created blossom into many more losses right before your eyes. Since the "Pay it Forwarders" will tell everyone around them, you have just created dozens of losses with minimal effort. Even better, all of those losers, besides the "Pay it Forwarders" themselves, will blame the "Pay it Forwarders" for their loss rather than blaming you. Thus, if they try to get back at the person who made them lose, you'll be safe from their revenge. However, if using this strategy, you MUST choose your "Pay it Forwarders" wisely. If you choose someone who will turn into a "If I'm Going Down, I'm Taking You and You and You and Everyone Else Down With Me" or a "That'll Show Him", then you will end up losing the game every half hour for the rest of your suddenly sad life. But, if you can successfully choose some "Pay it Forwarders" who won't go crazy, then congratulations! You are now one of the game's greatest players.
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